Rankman's Week 2 Rankings: A Rough Start Can Ruin Freshmen Orientation

Rankman returns for 2019 with his weekly rankings and pithy commentary on all things college football

True story: Rankman attended a family wedding last Sunday in Temecula and ran into a nephew and niece who are headed off to the University of Oregon next month. They’re from my wife’s side and super nice kids who deserve better than the slap-stick performance the Ducks delivered against Auburn in Arlington. Me: “Have you guys considered entering the transfer portal?” It got me thinking how tough it must be being a first-year student in the quarter system for a Pac 12 school. Classes at Oregon this year don’t start until Oct. 1. UCLA, which plays a brutal opening stretch, could be 0-4 before freshmen report for study on Sept. 26. So much (too much, sadly) of a school’s reputation is unfairly tied to its football program. My natural reflex when talking to a student from Rice University is “Oh, sorry about that,” never stopping to consider Rice is one the top schools in the country. Conversely, I’ll treat a “general studies” major from Clemson like he’s a Rhodes Scholar. It all goes back to that University of Oklahoma president’s quote from the 1950s: “I want to build a university of which the football team can be proud…” Anyway, Rankman is sure his niece and nephew will enjoy Eugene. And unlike UCLA, perhaps, the Ducks have a chance to be pretty good team by the time they arrive.

1: Michigan (1-0): Muddle Michigan’s slow-start versus Middle Tennessee blamed on a faulty khaki intake valve. (1)

2: Clemson (2-0): Texas A&M will be toughest opponent until Tigers face Alabama on Jan. 13 in New Orleans. (2)

3: Alabama (2-0): (3) Red meat is on the menu all week as Crimson Tide players prepare for New Mexico Steak.

4: Oklahoma (1-0): Air Traffic Control puts “hold in place” on QBs trying to transfer into Norman International. (4)

5: Georgia (1-0): Coach warns team that Murray State is coming off a big, huge, stupendous and impressive win over Pikeville. (5)

6: LSU (1-0): Defensive Player of the Week with 13 tackles: Royal Mandeville. No, wait, that's a street corner in the French Quarter. (8)

7: Notre Dame (1-0) Kelly spins blue-collar struggles against Louisville as his team’s way of honoring “labor” day. (6)

8: Ohio State (1-0): “Family Affair” Former Bucks coach Luke Fickell returns home as coach of Cincinnati, the school Urban Meyer attended. (7)

9: Texas (1-0): Bevo says "Mike the Tiger" of LSU is one of his favorite live mascots and they've been pen/cage pals for years. (9)

10: Florida (1-0): Gators break into comedy teams in advance of upcoming game against UT Martin and Lewis.

11: Auburn (1-0): (NR) Coach who accused Oregon of stealing signs denies saying “they’re all a bunch of peeking ducks.”

12: Central Florida (1-0): James Harden is impressed when told Golden Knights have scored at least 30 points in 27 straight games. (11)

13: Texas A&M (1-0): Jimbo’s real name is John James Fisher Jr. Dabo’s real name is William Christopher Swinney. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name: Arnold George Dorsey. (13)

14: Utah (1-0): (14) Ten dumb students vow to put copy of final game-book in “every hotel room” after Holy War win at Brigham Young.

15: Memphis (1-0) (15) Tigers take two-out-of-three from Ole Miss and now only trail all-time series 49-12-2.

16: Washington (1-0): Coach Pete says fans already calling Eason a savior may be drinking too many holy spirits. (NR)

Next Four Out

Oregon (0-1): (12) Justin Herbert’s final pass against Auburn named “worst overthrow” since Bay of Pigs.

Nebraska (1-0): Former Big 12 North Division says it is only “mildly interested” in Saturday’s Big Ten vs. Pac 12 at Colorado. (16)

Penn State: Worst excuse heard about Nits running up the score against Idaho: It was payback against Moscow for election tampering.

Boise State: Ouch. Players tell FSU the key to outlasting them in fourth-quarter Tallahassee heat was a drink called “Gatorade.”

Next Four Never

UCLA: Kelly’s “we’re not dictated by the record” quote believed to be lifted verbatim from Larry King’s last divorce lawyer.

Howard: Last week’s 0-79 loss to Maryland directed by former Kansas State Coach Ron Prince, who gave up 73 to Nebraska in 2007.

Idaho: After 7-79 to Penn State no team in history has ever looked more forward to playing D-2 Central Washington this week.

Liberty: Team played “flat on its back” in shutout to Syracuse as tribute to Hugh Freeze, who coached from hospital bed while recovering from herniated disc.

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Herb Gould
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Psst! . . . Badgers!



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