Rankman's Week 5 Ranking Blows Whistle On Phony-Baloney Clemson/Bama Schedules

Major shift in the batting order this week as Rankman rethinks his theory on early-season hero worshiping

People say Clemson and Alabama are the best two teams this year, based on last year, but for all I know they are in college football witness protection. To be perfectly honest I have not watched 10 total minutes of either school play this year because my time is valuable. The combination of combined talent and mostly horrible competition have rendered Clemson and Alabama unwatchable. Give me Army playing ANYONE over Alabama destroying some hapless paycheck school from the white sands of New Mexico. I have seen way more football footage of San Jose State than Clemson because San Jose was actually locked, last week, in a meaningful battle at Arkansas. And the Spartans won! Cal winning at Ole Miss, with a controversial finish, was 10 times more interesting than Clemson vs. (Fill in the Tank). People told me a few weeks back that Clemson vs. Texas A&M might be a good game. It wasn’t, and I flipped channels with the Tigers up 24-3. Clemson’s remaining schedule, from here to college football national semifinals, is one long Henny Youngman joke. Take my remote, please. Alabama basically scheduled the Washington Generals until Oct. 12 at Texas A&M. And if that’s anything like Auburn going into Texas A&M last weekend, well, I’ll pass. Alabama then plays home games against Tennessee, which lost at home to Georgia State, and then Arkansas, which just lost at home to San Jose State. No thanks. So that means the first Alabama game worth watching is Nov. 9, in Tuscaloosa, against LSU. Let me say this: Clemson and Alabama may well be the best teams in the nation but this week’s rankings are based on actual achievement in games played this season. You may agree, or disagree, or want to see Alabama flatten Ole Miss this weekend. Me? I’m more interested in whether Rutgers will score a point at Michigan. Rutgers, FYI, has been shut out eight times since joining the Big Ten. It has already been shut this year by Iowa. Michigan is coming off an embarrassing loss to Wisconsin. Hmmm…

1: LSU (4-0): Burrow's 17 touchdown passes through four games match number of fits Oklahoma State Coach Mike Gundy has thrown in same period. (2)

2: Georgia (4-0): Danielson apologizes for error on ND broadcast in which he erroneously stated Arkansas and Ole Miss were out of college football playoff race. (6)

3: Wisconsin (3-0): Outscoring three opponents by 145-14 is impressive when you consider one of the teams has really cool winged helmets. (16)

4: Oklahoma (3-0): School insists the "O" shaped, ruby-encrusted crown received by Houston quarterback King was not mailed from Norman.(4)

5: Ohio State (4-0): Bar-stool trivia: 42 second-quarter points scored against Miami of Ohio were 18 fewer than Bucks scored in 1947 season (60) (7)

6: Clemson (4-0): Tigers are two wins from clinching bowl eligible and possibly landing spot in Military or Independence bowls. (3)

7: Alabama (4-0): Mater Dei and Junior Tommy Trojan Club investigating how a “Monsignor Nick” sneaked onto campus and stole top QB prospect Bryce Young. (5)

8: Auburn (4-0): Gus detractors returning home from long Carnival Cruise now ready to settle in for Florida, LSU, Georgia and Alabama. (12)

8: Notre Dame (2-1): UGA loss most impressive coaching performance in defeat since Weis got a contract extension after Bush Push loss to USC. (8)

9: Florida (4-0): Trask said his first start since high school went MUCH better than his first date in high school. (11).

10: Texas (3-1): Ehlinger’s streak without an INT has been snapped and he also broke a shoelace. (13)

11: Oregon (3-1): Bye week allows players time to catch up on fake homework for fall classes that haven’t started yet...(14)

12: Penn State (4-0): Some Nits said to be VERY upset after being put on “upset alert” for this week’s game at Maryland.

13: California (4-0): Coach Faulkner says team can learn from win at Oxford, Miss. “The past is never dead. In fact, it’s not even past.”

14: Washington (3-1): Conditioning coach cranks treadmills to "11" after hearing last game between L.A. at Washington state school ended 67-63.

15: USC (3-1): OC Harrell trying out walk-on Leprechauns for possible emergency QB start against Notre Dame in October. (NR).

16: Iowa (3-0): Band attack at Iowa State leaves in serious jeopardy Meredith Willson's "The Music Man" ever being performed again in Ames. (NR)

Next Four Out

Boise State: Replaces UCF this week as "Group of 5 school most likely to go undefeated and hold a national title parade."

Michigan: If Harbaugh thinks Wisconsin “had a better plan” wait till he sees Ohio State’s daily planner for Nov. 30.

Central Florida: Received letter from selection committee stating “Only Clemson can lose to Pitt and still be considered for the national championship.”

Utah: After film study the strategy for Washington State became crystal clear: Fall behind by 32 and then drop 50 points in the second half.

Next Four Never

Rutgers: Rankman hasn’t predicted a complete-game shutout since Ryan retired but is calling for a two-hitter this weekend at Michigan.

Tennessee: Still not sure why it was interviewed for Ken Burns doc on Country Music to discuss Knoxville stars Roy Acuff/Aldridge Sisters.

New Mexico State: Navy reports of "numerous UFOs" over Albuquerque turned out to be 75 total passes thrown in 55-52 loss to New Mexico.

UMass: Period immediately following loss to Coastal Carolina for Minutemen may have been program's lowest 3,600-seconds point (Darkest Hour).

Comments (6)
No. 1-3

Ha! Rutgers shut-out today, as suggested.

Tough comment for Utah, but my alumni friends and I reluctantly agree. Horrible missed opportunity last week.

PAC-12 on the east coast is one thing. Trying to watch via Slingbox in London, but I don’t think the late games will come on until next week...


Thanks for calling out that insufferable SEC honk Danielson. All future SEC games on CBS will be muted, which is unfortunate because Nessler does a decent job.


Wow - big changes this week, Rankman! Totally agree on you with the Clemson & Alabama games - boring BTW how crazy is that that ND gave Charlie Weis a contract extension after a LOSS